Fantasy Week #3 - Recap

Threek weeks in and I can confirm there is no reset button on this season. I've looked and it doesn't exist.

Week 3 had it all — last-second miracles, blowout embarrassments, husbands vs. wives, and one poor soul apparently trapped in an RV with his in-laws while his fantasy team suffered in solidarity. We saw kickers get outscored by defenses, benches that belonged in the garbage, and yet another week of the Commish proving he has no business gambling, even for free.

Let’s dive into the wreckage, matchup by matchup.

WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe Abuses Burrows Churros in Week 3 Marital Matchup (166.54 - 124.66)

WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe kept it all in the family this week, but Burrows Churros probably wishes she hadn’t. Jalen Hurts led the way with 30.04 points, Jaxon Smith-Njigba chipped in, and the Steelers defense kept the scoreboard humming. Meanwhile, Burrows Churros looked like he was stuck in his own Bad Blood era: Kyler Murray disappointed, Tyrone Tracy got hurt, and Jakobi Meyers plus Brock Bowers combined for a measly 18 points. At this point, it’s hard to tell if the Commish is worse at fantasy picks, running his team, or surviving the All Too Well reminders that he lost to his wife. He picked himself this week… which was never, ever, ever a good idea.

Commissioner’s Pick: Burrows Churros (LOSER)

Team Andrew flops against Ceedee's TD's (149.92 - 98.30)

Team Andrew, previously undefeated, face-planted harder than a slow-pitch outfielder diving for a foul ball. Posting a league-low 98.3 points, Andrew left Jauan Jennings (injured, inactive, and very available to be replaced) in his starting lineup. His excuse? He was “in the middle of nowhere for a softball tournament.” Translation: fantasy negligence. No one on his team even earned a shoutout. Meanwhile, Ceedee’s TD’s cruised to 149.92 points, powered by Nico Collins and Jordan Mason. Ironically, CeeDee Lamb put up a big fat zero after leaving injured, but it didn’t matter. Rumor has it every time Ceedee’s TD’s wins, a baby seal gets clubbed. We can’t confirm it… but we kind of believe it.

Commissioner’s Pick: Team Andrew (LOSER)

Joe Buck Yourself dismantles Baisden's Bungals (166.42 - 105.36)

After opening the season 0–2, Joe Buck Yourself finally snapped the skid in Week 3 — and he did it in blowout fashion. Josh Allen, Cam Skattebo, and Garrett Wilson all did their part, but the Vikings defense went full cheat code, dropping 40.5 points in what will likely be their season highlight reel. Meanwhile, Baisden’s Bungals countered with the Bengals defense, who valiantly contributed 2.5 points — or as Cris Collinsworth would say, “Now here’s a guy… who’s really out there trying.” Patrick Mahomes managed just 14.16 points, though if you listened to Collinsworth, you’d think he cured polio. Not even McCaffrey and Amon-Ra St. Brown could save this mess. The Commish hitched his wagon to the Bungals, and in true Bungals fashion, that wagon immediately lost a wheel.

Commissioner’s Pick: Baisden's Bungals (LOSER)

4th and Forever stands on business, defeats Vigilante Blitz (191.18 - 129.22)

The husband/wife rivalry struck again in Week 3, and this time 4th and Forever made sure there was no debate. He dropped a league-best 191.18 points, led by Jonathan Taylor, Courtland Sutton, and AJ Brown all balling out. Even his “worst” player — his kicker with 4 points — looked like a stud compared to what Vigilante Blitz trotted out. Her roster limped to another loss with four starters stuck in single digits, and her highest scorer was none other than backup QB Drake Maye. Or as actual Drake would put it: “Started from the bottom, still here.” Vigilante Blitz continues her quest to keep the loss column warm.

Commissioner’s Pick: 4th and Forever (WINNER)

Team Michelle steals Monday night miracle over 3rd and Juan (130.62 - 129.26)

With just 35 seconds left on Monday night, Team Michelle looked finished — until Lamar Jackson uncorked a touchdown pass that flipped the matchup by 1.36 points, the closest margin of Week 3. Lamar (again the hero) and Davante Adams carried Michelle to victory, while 3rd and Juan relied solely on Jahmyr Gibbs for any semblance of production. Even his bench looked like it accidentally subscribed to the Witness Protection Program. To make matters worse, 3rd and Juan reportedly spent the weekend lost in an RV with his in-laws in the mountains, which might explain why his team played like they had no Wi-Fi. When asked about the soul-crushing loss, he simply muttered, “what the fresh hell.” Honestly, that’s also how most of us describe being his friend.

Commissioner’s Pick: Team Michelle (WINNER)

Commissioner's Picks Results

• Week 1: 2-3

• Week 2: 2-3

• Week 3: 2-3

• Overall: 6-9