Fantasy Week #4 - Recap

The outlook is grim at best. We're four weeks in and everything is seemingly getting worse. The picks, the roster, the world, everything.

Week 4 was a storyline straight out of a WWE script. The disrespected rose up. The mocked struck back. Benches betrayed their owners. Swifties turned on Swifties. And once again, the Commissioner’s picks crashed harder than a Bengals two-minute drill. Let’s dive into the carnage.

Baisden's Bungals Drop Burrows Churros (158.40-148.00)

Another week, another chapter in the tragic novella titled “The Decline of Burrows Churros.” Even Puka Nacua dropping 36 points wasn’t enough to stop the freefall. Jakobi Meyers and Brock Bowers combined for the fantasy equivalent of background characters, while the Washington defense contributed about as much resistance as an unlocked screen door. The loss drops Burrows Churros firmly into last place, where they now reside rent-free — mostly because no one else wants to live there.

Meanwhile, Baisden’s Bungals rolled to victory behind Patrick Mahomes, DK Metcalf, and Christian McCaffrey doing exactly what they’re paid to do. Even with a flex spot putting up just 1.20 points, it didn’t matter — because when you’re playing Burrows Churros, you don’t need to be perfect. You just need to show up.

Commissioner’s Pick: Baisden's Bungals (WINNER)

4th and Forever Edges Ceedee's TD's (141.52-133.66)

4th and Forever entered Week 4 fueled by rage — not at his opponent, but at the Commissioner for daring to pick Ceedee’s TD’s. It wasn’t a masterpiece by any stretch, but when the win comes at the expense of Ceedee's TD's, style points don’t matter. Justin Jefferson and the Houston Texans defense held the line for 4th and Forever, doing just enough to secure the victory.

Ceedee’s TD’s got solid outings from Baker Mayfield and James Cook, but the rest of the roster clearly borrowed the Burrows Churros Handbook of Disappointment. 4th and Forever now sits atop the standings at 5–3, and trust us — he was very quick to talk trash about it. However, it must be noted — loudly — that he would have lost to six other teams in Week 4, including Burrows Churros. Kings of the standings, but not of the scoreboard.

Commissioner’s Pick: Ceedee's TD's (LOSER)

Joe Buck Yourself Delivers Team Michelle Reality Check (156.96-125.18)

Joe Buck Yourself is officially heating up, securing his second straight win and knocking off the league leader heading into Week 4. It was the Week of the Joshes, as both Josh Allen and Josh Jacobs put up 31 points, with Browns rookie Quinshon Judkins adding another 21.5 to fuel the surge.

Team Michelle, on the other hand, delivered a rare dud. Even with 39.5 points from Raiders rookie Ashton Jeanty, the rest of her roster collectively decided to take the week off. The Packers defense contributed a glorious -2.00 points, which deserves recognition for being harder to do than scoring well.

And speaking of shameful performances, Michelle’s beloved Dallas Cowboys managed to tie the Green Bay Packers on Sunday Night Football—a result so uninspiring it barely qualifies as competition. The commissioner finally put his faith in Team Michelle, which naturally resulted in disappointment. Some people have bad luck; others are the bad luck.

Commissioner’s Pick: Team Michelle (LOSER)

3rd and Juan smacks Team Andrew (151.76-132.52)

3rd and Juan bounced back from Week 3 like a man who just spent the weekend at the Penn State White Out, clubbing among 20-year-olds despite being a firm 40. Fueled by overpriced stadium seltzies and denial of aging, he unleashed that chaotic energy on Team Andrew, dropping 151.76 points and sending him back to a perfectly mediocre 4–4.

3rd and Juan got strong efforts from Bucky Irving, Travis Etienne, and rookie Emeka Egbuka — who combined to carry the team like unpaid Uber drivers. Meanwhile, Team Andrew delivered a masterclass in bad decision-making. He started Justin Herbert while both Matt Stafford (37 points) and Jordan Love (32 points) sat untouched on the bench looking like forgotten Toys “R” Us kids in a Walmart aisle.

To add insult to injury, both owners had to watch their real NFL teams collapse too — Jeremy’s 49ers face-planted and Andrew’s Bengals forgot how to play offense again. Double fantasy pain. At least Jeremy walked away with one win this weekend. Andrew did not..

Commissioner’s Pick: Team Andrew (LOSER)

Vigilante Blitz Knocks Off WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe (158.12-151.70)

After three straight weeks of pain and public mockery, Vigilante Blitz entered Week 4 in full “Look What You Made Me Do” mode — and took her revenge by beating fellow Swift enthusiast WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe in the tightest game of the week.

Omarion Hampton and Drake Maye carried the load, while the Detroit Lions defense threw in a bonus 22.5 points like backup dancers hitting perfect choreography.

Meanwhile, WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe had big performances from George Pickens (33 points) and Bijan Robinson (28 points), but any chance of victory vanished like a surprise song cut from the setlist thanks to the continued starting of Calvin Austin, who apparently has blackmail material on her, and Harold Fannin, who played like he was in his Reputation (Bench Edition)era.

With the win, Vigilante Blitz climbs to 9th place, finally pulling herself out of the dark, twisted fantasy basement — and leaving Burrows Churros alone down there to softly hum “You’re On Your Own, Kid.”

Commissioner’s Pick: WhosAfriadOfKittleOldMe (LOSER)

Commissioner's Picks Results

• Week 1: 2-3

• Week 2: 2-3

• Week 3: 2-3

• Week 4: 1-4

• Overall: 7-13