Fantasy Week #5 - Recap

Matt Sovine
4 days ago
5 min read

Respectable? No. Better than last week? Yes. I was above .500 in picks and took home a victory. Week 5 might be as good as this season gets.

Welcome back to the league where logic is optional, consistency is mythical, and emotional stability is directly tied to whether your flex player scores more than 4 points. Week 5 delivered everything we’ve come to expect: bench explosions, starting lineup no-shows, reckless waiver claims, and at least one manager who realized too late that “questionable” does not mean “definitely fine.”

Some teams surged back to relevance, others sank like WVU vs the Mormons, and a few of you are now googling “can fantasy football cause early aging?” The commissioner? Still picking like he’s blindfolded in a hurricane.

Let the judgement commence.

Burrows Churros vs 3rd and Juan (128.60-122.88)

Between bye weeks and injuries, it's a miracle Burrows Churros even managed to assemble ten conscious humans in Week 5. But somehow he scraped together enough warm bodies to stumble into a victory over 3rd and Juan.

Puka Nacua kept doing Puka things, the Colts defense played like they were auditioning for security clearance, and Breece Hall finally realized the NFL season had begun and decided to contribute.

Meanwhile, 3rd and Juan must have spent Sunday preoccupied mowing lawns, fixing gutters, or assembling fall décor—because Bucky Irving was ruled out long before kickoff and yet remained proudly in the starting lineup, scoring a predictable 0.0 points. Inspiring stuff.

To make matters worse, 3rd and Juan just became the first man in league history to lose to the team that was literally voted “Worst Manager” of the week. That’s not just an L — that’s a legacy stain.

To his credit, Emeka Egbuka dropped nearly 32 points and made it close, but not close enough to overcome being defeated by a team held together with duct tape and sad sips of warm Malort.

Closest matchup of Week 5. Closest call for 3rd and Juan’s dignity, allegedly.

Commissioner’s Pick: 3rd and Juan (LOSER)

Ceedee's TD's vs Team Michelle (148.66-133.32)

Ceedee’s TD’s secured the Week 5 dub behind Baker Mayfield and Stefon Diggs, who combined forces to dismantle an opponent who might officially be more overrated than the Big Ten in bowl season.

The win launches Ceedee’s TD’s up to 2nd place in the league standings, because apparently karma is on vacation this year. Meanwhile, Team Michelle drops to 8th place, now dangerously close to Burrows Churros in 10th, where fantasy dreams go to rot.

She stayed within 15 points thanks to a shockingly responsible roster move — picking up Justin Fields once Lamar Jackson was ruled out. Yes, Team Michelle made a decision that almost worked. Growth is real.

You know who didn’t win this week? WVU. They got beat by the Mormons of the West, but hey — at least they covered the spread. Just like Team Michelle — didn’t win, but technically didn't lose as badly as expected.

Commissioner’s Pick: Ceedee's TD's (WINNER)

4th and Forever vs Joe Buck Yourself (154.82-132.32)

4th and Forever secured their fourth straight win in Week 5 and are now officially entering “insufferably confident” territory — the kind of team that starts talking about “culture” and “grit” like they’re running a real franchise and not a Sleeper app.

Jonathan Taylor once again went full Roman Emperor with 31.60 points, while Jared Goff, Justin Jefferson, and Courtland Sutton also dropped in with contributions like attendance was mandatory. At this point, it’s honestly faster to list which players didn’t score for 4th and Forever.

Joe Buck Yourself came in hot after two straight wins, but the trio of Josh Allen, Garrett Wilson, and Calvin Ridley couldn’t keep pace. The real tragedy? Dak Prescott posted 40.78 points from the bench. Unfortunately, league rules still prevent points from transferring via post-game sadness.

4th and Forever remains in 1st place, while Joe Buck Yourself slides to 4th — proof that bad lineup decisions hurt worse when you know they were avoidable.

Commissioner’s Pick: 4th and Forever (WINNER)

Vigilante Blitz vs Baisden's Bungals (162.54-147.54)

Vigilante Blitz has officially entered revenge arc mode, stacking her second straight upset win and dropping the highest score of Week 5. Two weeks ago she was the league punchline — now she’s out here demanding apologies.

Kyren Williams lit the fuse on Thursday night with 31 points, but Ja’Marr Chase stole the show with 34.5 in his glorious Week 5 resurrection. After weeks of disappointment, Chase finally delivered like the #1 overall pick he was supposed to be. And now that the Bengals have signed Joe Flacco, we can only assume this is the beginning of a majestic, elderly QB-led dynasty.

To be fair, Baisden’s Bungals didn’t totally collapse — Patrick Mahomes, Christian McCaffrey, and David Montgomery all showed up. But Alvin Kamara, Jason Myers, and the Rams defense contributed about as much as Jake Browning in a quarterback competition. Yes, technically Baisden's Bungals set his optimal lineup but still lost. That embarrassment is almost Pittsburgh Pirate's ownership level. Almost.

Now the real question: how do you rebound after losing to someone the entire league had written off two weeks ago?

Commissioner’s Pick: Baisden's Bungals (LOSER)

Team Andrew vs WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe (144.54-118.20)

Week 5’s biggest blowout came courtesy of Team Andrew, who steamrolled WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe by 26.34 points, a margin so large it could qualify as emotional abuse in several states.

It appears that Taylor Swift’s album “The Life of a Showgirl” (or whatever fictional era she’s in now) took priority over fielding a functioning fantasy lineup. And honestly? No one in the league is shocked. While WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe was too busy bedazzling a leotard, Team Andrew was out here grinding.

Javonte Williams, Deebo Samuel, and Saquon Barkley led the charge, launching Team Andrew five spots up the standings to number 3 — a rise so dramatic it deserves its own cinematic montage.

Meanwhile, WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe was technically led by Jaxon Smith-Njigba and Jalen Hurts, but the trio of Mims, Bates, and the Seattle defense played like they were actively auditioning for a Calvin Austin tribute band. I once bet my entire savings that anyone would be better than Calvin Austin — now I sleep in a Coleman tent behind a Dollar General. Thanks for nothing.

To add insult to injury, WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe finished with the lowest point total in Week 5, an honor typically reserved for Vigilante Blitz or Burrows Churros. That’s not just a loss — that’s a cry-for-help soundtrack moment.

Commissioner’s Pick: Team Andrew (WINNER)