Commissioner Picks: Week #13

Welcome to Week 13 — the Thanksgiving edition, where half the league is stuffed, the other half is burnt, and the commissioner is somewhere in the middle with a 30-30 record that looks like an undercooked turkey.

Playoff dreams are being carved up, rosters are collapsing like folding chairs under Uncle Eddie, and some teams are already embracing leftovers status.

It’s the week where contenders feast and pretenders get scraped into the trash with the cranberry sauce no one touched. Grab a plate — let’s dig in.

Week #13 has arrived!

Burrows Churros (10-14) vs Baisden's Bungals (11-13)

Winner: Burrows Churros

Burrows Churros desperately needs a rebound after getting stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey by his wife last week. Unfortunately for him, Baisden’s Bungals comes in fresh off a win and holding the final playoff spot tighter than Aunt Karen grips her casserole dish. Still, it’s the holiday season, miracles happen, and poor decisions are practically encouraged. So yes, I’m taking myself — mostly because nobody’s more familiar with disappointment than Burrows Churros.

4th and Forever (18-6) vs Ceedee's TD's (14-10)

Winner: 4th and Forever

4th and Forever strolls into Week 13 fresh off a win against his wife — which means Thanksgiving at that household probably felt like passing the stuffing with a side of tension. He’s already punched his playoff ticket and is coasting like a dad asleep in a recliner after too much pecan pie. Meanwhile, Ceedee’s TD’s waddles in from an embarrassing Week 12 showing yet somehow still clings to 3rd place like leftover cranberry sauce no one asked for. The commissioner’s not picking against the hot hand — give me 4th and Forever in a win that would humble most people… but never Ceedee’s TD’s.

Joe Buck Yourself (11-13) vs Team Michelle (6-18)

Winner: Joe Buck Yourself

In Week 13, Joe Buck Yourself needs a spark to claw his way into the playoff picture, and Thanksgiving has blessed him with the fantasy equivalent of leftover stuffing: Team Michelle. She’s in last place, eliminated, and fully dedicated to wedding planning — which is fair, because fantasy football has clearly been her side dish all season. Meanwhile, Joe Buck Yourself gets a chance to feast on the easiest matchup of the week. Death, taxes, and Team Michelle getting mashed like potatoes.

3rd and Juan (13-11) vs Team Andrew (13-11)

Winner: 3rd and Juan

3rd and Juan and Team Andrew both enter Week 13 after beating questionable opponents — the fantasy equivalent of winning the family Thanksgiving Day football game because Grandma slipped on wet leaves. They’re both sitting in the playoff six for now, but one late-season flop could send either one into the leftovers bin. I’ve put my faith in Team Andrew before and been let down like a kid receiving socks on Christmas morning. So the commissioner will take 3rd and Juan here, not because he’s good, but because someone has to win… even when both options taste like unseasoned green beans.

Vigilante Blitz (9-15) vs WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe (15-9)

Winner: WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe

WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe rolls into Week 13 fresh off a win against her husband, carving him up like the Thanksgiving turkey. Vigilante Blitz, meanwhile, is coming off yet another loss and her current streak resembles a dog dragging its ass across the living room carpet — hard to watch, impossible to ignore. One team sits comfortably in 2nd place, gravy boat overflowing, while the other is stuck in 9th place begging the universe for a miracle that’s never coming. This matchup ends Vigilante Blitz’s season officially, but let’s be honest — dinner’s been burned for weeks.