Commissioner Picks: Week #14

Week 14 is here — the final week of the regular season — and the league has descended into the kind of chaos normally reserved for holiday travel and Black Friday fistfights.

Playoff dreams are hanging by threads, Toilet Bowl destinies are being cemented, and the commissioner sits here taking stock of a season full of blown leads, Monday night heartbreaks, and more premature trash talk than any group chat should have to endure.

Some teams are surging, some are collapsing, and others (Team Michelle) never really showed up at all. Buckle up — it’s the last chance for miracles, meltdowns, and misery.

Week #14 has arrived!

Burrows Churros (12-14) vs 3rd and Juan (15-11)

Winner: Burrows Churros

Burrows Churros (12–14) enters Week 14 on the heels of a massive Week 13 win that somehow shoved this disaster of a roster into playoff position — a miracle that rivals turning water into White Claw.

To stay alive, Burrows Churros needs big games from Joe Burrow, Puka Nacua, and Brock Bowers and somehow beat both 3rd and Juan and the league median. No pressure.

Meanwhile, 3rd and Juan (15–11) is riding a three-game win streak and chilling comfortably in 3rd place like a man who’s never known fear.

Even so, this matchup belongs to Burrows Churros because we need this playoff story to continue on.

4th and Forever (20-6) vs Joe Buck Yourself (11-15)

Winner: 4th and Forever

4th and Forever (20–6) spent Week 13 dealing with premature trash talk from Ceedee’s TD’s before shutting him up on Monday night — a service to the entire league, honestly.

With a first-round bye locked in, he’s basically coasting into Week 14 like a guy sleepwalking through his last shift before vacation. Luckily for him, sleepwalking is still more than enough to beat Joe Buck Yourself (11–15), whose team has derailed so violently it should come with an NTSB report.

Five losses in his last six and a cozy spot in 8th place mean he’s staring at the playoffs like a kid with his face pressed against the toy store window.

Vigilante Blitz (9-17) vs Baisden's Bungals (11-15)

Winner: Baisden's Bungals

Vigilante Blitz (9–17) has lost five in a row, plummeting into 9th place like a Swiftie diving into Ticketmaster’s customer service inbox.

Eliminated and spiraling, she now turns her attention to The Toilet Bowl — and what better way to prepare than by getting flattened by Baisden’s Bungals?

Baisden's Bungals (11–15) are licking their wounds after losing to Burrows Churros, but the league has graciously gifted them the perfect palate cleanser.

This one puts him right back in the playoff race and puts the heat squarely back on Burrows Churros.

Team Andrew (13-13) vs WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe (17-9)

Winner: WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe

Team Andrew (13–13) enters Week 14 still recovering from the smackdown 3rd and Juan delivered last week — a beating so thorough that even he didn’t brag about it, which is how you know it was bad.

Sitting in 5th place, Team Andrew still hasn’t locked up a playoff spot, and unfortunately for him, he now runs headfirst into WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe (17–9), who’s riding a five-game winning streak and has zero interest in slowing down.

This is the definition of running into a buzzsaw. The commissioner happily picks his wife to win her sixth straight and end Team Andrew’s playoff hopes in style.

Ceedee's TD's (15-11) vs Team Michelle (7-19)

Winner: Ceedee's TD's

Ceedee’s TD’s (15–11) walked into Week 13 thinking he’d beaten 4th and Forever, opened his mouth in the group chat, and then watched Monday Night Football rip his soul out in real time. Truly elite comedy.

But as much as the league would love another spectacular failure this week, the moment you glance at the opponent — Team Michelle (7–19) — you know all fun ends here.

She accidentally won her Week 13 matchup, but she’s been eliminated for so long that her victory was basically a clerical error.

She returns to her losing ways as she warms up for the first annual Toilet Bowl with her basement-dwelling friend, Vigilante Blitz.