Commissioner Picks: Week #4

Another week in the books and I’m still picking games like Vigilante Blitz sets lineups—blindly and without success. I went 2-3 last week, which brings my overall record to 6-9 on the season—about as respectable as 3rd and Juan’s roster. At this point, my “commissioner’s picks” are less expert analysis and more like flipping a coin while blindfolded. But you keep showing up for the content, so let’s dive into the Week 4 slate.

Week #4 is here -- let's get started!

Burrows Churros (1-5) vs Baisden's Bungals (2-4)

Winner: Baisden's Bungals

Injuries, excuses, and another L. Let’s be honest, Burrows Churros is running out of duct tape and prayers to keep this season alive. Losing Burrow was bad enough, but every week it feels like another key piece is limping off the field. Meanwhile, Baisden’s Bungals might be 2-4, but at least they’ve got the firepower to put up big numbers when it matters. Last week’s beatdown was rough, but this team is too talented to stay down for long. Burrow Churros will hang around early, but the wheels will fall off by the end. Painful as it is, I know how this ends.

4th and Forever (4-2) vs Ceedee's TD's (4-2)

Winner: Ceedee's TD's

4th and Forever had the league’s support and the chance to keep Ceedee’s TD’s down where they belong. Instead, this is going to be one of those weeks where fantasy football proves it has no morals. Ceedee’s TD’s sneaks out a win, not by dominance, but by accident—just like WVU sneaking into bowl games they have no business being in. It’s a win on paper, but nobody respects it. Deep down, even Ceedee’s TD’s knows this team isn’t built to last, which somehow makes the victory even more annoying. Still, the standings won’t care how ugly it looked.

Joe Buck Yourself (3-3) vs Team Michelle (5-1)

Winner: Team Michelle

Team Michelle’s record is the great mystery of this league—no one respects it, no one understands it, but it’s still there like an unwanted group project grade. She squeaks by, stumbles through, and yet always comes out ahead. Joe Buck Yourself showed some life last week, but that offense feels about as sustainable as Kyle Shanahan in a Super Bowl. Cowboys fans already live off delusion, and Michelle has weaponized it in fantasy. At least she’s teaching us all that luck counts as skill. The cries of sexism have been heard, I'm taking Team Michelle in week 4.

3rd and Juan (3-3) vs Team Andrew (4-2)

Winner: Team Andrew

3rd and Juan had a week to forget—losing to Team Michelle by one point while the rest of the league threw a party at his expense. It was the kind of heartbreak that stings worse than being stuck in the woods with your in-laws. Team Andrew, meanwhile, set the bar even lower by scoring the fewest points in the league last week, proving that leaving empty roster spots isn’t exactly a winning strategy. Word on the street is he might actually try fielding a full lineup this week, which is progress. And while 3rd and Juan deserves credit for saving a kid’s life this week, good deeds don’t score fantasy points. Give me Team Andrew in a landslide.

Vigilante Blitz (0-6) vs WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe (4-2)

Winner: WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe

All Too Well (0-6 Version). Vigilante Blitz hasn’t beaten a soul this season—not even the league median. At this point, it’s not just a slump, it’s a full-blown Taylor Swift breakup album: painful, predictable, and dragging on too long. Meanwhile, WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe just dropped 166 points and steamrolled her husband like it was nothing. Honestly, Burrows Churros might be the only team competing with Vigilante Blitz for worst in the league, which is saying something. We all know how this ends—it’s whoever’s playing Vigilante Blitz for the win.