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Commissioner Picks: Week #5

  • Writer: Matt Sovine
    Matt Sovine
  • Oct 2
  • 4 min read

Just when I thought I’d hit rock bottom with my fantasy picks, I grabbed a shovel and went 1-4 in Week 4, dropping to a humiliating 7-13 on the season. My forecasting skills are now officially worse than WVU’s pass defense and only slightly better than Team Michelle’s roster management.


If Taylor Swift wrote a song about my picks, it wouldn’t even make the main album — it would be buried as Track 34 (Deluxe Bonus Edition) titled “Should’ve Started Literally Anyone Else.” Even Vigilante Blitz is starting to feel bad for me, and that’s when you know things are bleak.


But like every bad coach and delusional fanbase from Morgantown to Dallas — I’m back this week with blind confidence and zero accountability.


Welcome to Week 5. Let’s see how much worse it can get.


ree

Week #5 is here -- let's get started!


Burrows Churros (1-7) vs 3rd and Juan (5-3)

Winner: 3rd and Juan


Burrows Churros enters Week 5 sitting at 1-7 and looking like the league’s official cautionary tale. Three straight losses, a roster full of questions, and projections that inspire pity rather than confidence. Sure, Kyler Murray is projected higher than Danny Dimes — but would it really matter if Superman himself showed up? Meanwhile, 3rd and Juan is thriving off the simple pleasures in life: riding the high of college road trips, family camping outings, and beating teams with no pulse. The commissioner has eyes, and unfortunately, they see another loss incoming. The commissioner picks 3rd and Juan, because data — and common sense — says so.



Ceedee's TD's (4-4) vs Team Michelle (5-3)

Winner: Ceedee's TD's


In a rare matchup where nobody deserves to win, Team Michelle limps into Week 5 battered and bewildered. Lamar Jackson is doubtful, Tyreek Hill’s knee is now held together by prayer and tape, and she’s somehow still rostering two kickers and zero backup quarterbacks. Blame parent-teacher conferences for draining the last of her decision-making energy. Ceedee’s TD’s, meanwhile, has been clicking buttons like a desperate WVU student retaking online quizzes hoping for a better grade. We may not know if his moves are good, but he’s at least conscious. I even considered gathering the men of the league to gently mansplain the concept of ‘bench depth’ to Team Michelle using flashcards and hand puppets, but honestly, I don’t think even a PowerPoint could get through. You can’t teach roster management if your student still thinks carrying two kickers is a personality.



4th and Forever (5-3) vs Joe Buck Yourself (5-3)

Winner: 4th and Forever


Both squads sit at 5-3, but they’ve taken entirely different routes to get here. Joe Buck Yourself has been winning with authority, while 4th and Forever has been sneaking by like a student hoping the teacher doesn’t notice his unfinished homework. The computers favor 4th and Forever slightly — and while I’d love to fade it, Joe Buck Yourself’s roster looks like a team living on borrowed time. I know choosing 4th and Forever will only lead to another week of cocky group chat messages, but choosing Joe Buck Yourself would be like putting your faith in James Franklin in primetime — wrong every time.



Vigilante Blitz (2-6) vs Baisden's Bungals (4-4)

Winner: Baisden's Bungals


Vigilante Blitz finally found the win column in Week 4, proving that even a blind squirrel can stumble over an acorn every now and then. But let’s be real — that was cute while it lasted. Zay Flowers and Ja’Marr Chase were supposed to be playmakers, but through four weeks they look more like a couple of Westcott brothers running slants in the church league. At least Ashley has Taylor Swift’s The Life of a Showgirl dropping today as emotional support, because Week 5 is about to be another sad playlist situation. Meanwhile, Baisden’s Bungals barely broke a sweat beating Burrows Churros and won’t need much more effort here. With Mahomes and CMC leading the charge, this won’t be close.



Team Andrew (4-4) vs WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe (5-3)

Winner: Team Andrew


There’s losing and then there’s losing to Vigilante Blitz. WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe achieved the latter in Week 4, and no amount of Taylor Swift or wine nights will erase that trauma. Team Andrew didn’t look great himself, but at least he didn’t contribute to league-wide chaos. Now bye weeks arrive like a spotlight of shame, exposing weak benches everywhere — especially WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe’s. Thankfully Calvin Austin is off this week, which means she’ll be forced to start an actual NFL-caliber human in his place. But let’s not overthink this — Herbert, Barkley, or basically any warm body on Team Andrew’s roster should be enough lock this down. You know what wasn’t enough though? The Reds’ playoff effort.



A Little Something Extra


All Too Wrong (Commissioner's Version)


Verse 1

Week 1, I thought I was golden,

Picking winners like I owned it.

But the losses piled, the doubts rolled in,

Turns out my gut was lying again.


Pre-Chorus

I should've known, I should've seen,

This league is laughing, it's so mean.

I'm 7-13, can't catch a break,

These picks are my biggest mistake.


Chorus

'Cause I'm the problem, it's me,

Making picks worse than WVU's D.

Every week's a cruel joke,

Even Vigilante Blitz found hope.

Now I just sing these sad refrains,

While Taylor drops albums about my shame.


Verse 2

Week 3, I trashed Ceedee's TD's,

Week 4, my record diseased me.

Week 5 rolls in, but nothing's changed,

My strategy's coin flips, unashamed.


Bridge

Maybe I'll fade myself this week,

Let the blind squirrel have its streak.

Even my wife's team beat me down,

Burrows Churros is the league's sad clown.


Final Chorus

Yeah, I'm the problem, it's me,

Fantasy fate just won't let me breathe.

Every loss is Swiftie fuel,

For a breakup song about a fool.

This league's laughing in my face,

But I'll still post picks at the same sad pace.



ree

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