Commissioner Picks: Week #6
- Matt Sovine
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
Welcome to Week 6. I somehow stumbled into a 3-2 record last week, inching my overall total to 10-15 — still embarrassing, but no longer “accidentally replying-all on a work email” embarrassing. I’m not saying I’ve regained credibility, but at least I no longer make picks with the precision of 3rd and Juan trying to navigate a classroom full of special needs kids. Meanwhile, half the league is strutting around at .500 like they’re elite, while the other half is clinging to moral victories like Burrows Churros celebrating “competitive losses.”
Ceedee’s TD’s has already spent more on waiver acquisitions than the entire GDP of West Virginia (someone can explain GDP to him in the group chat), WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe is still emotionally recovering from losing to someone in week 4 who once started Zay Flowers on purpose, and Team Michelle is likely Googling “how to set a lineup without crying.”
But as always, I’m here to deliver five fearless predictions — not because I’m confident, but because this league insists on enabling me.
Let’s get reckless.

Week #6 has arrived!
Burrows Churros (2-8) vs Ceedee's TD's (6-4)
Winner: Burrows Churros
Burrows Churros finally remembered he’s in a fantasy league last week, stunning 3rd and Juan like a raccoon stealing snacks from a campground. Now he attempts two wins in a row — something scientists previously classified as “statistically improbable.” Ceedee’s TD’s, meanwhile, has already blown his entire FAAB budget by week 6 like a college kid discovering DoorDash for the first time. That’s not strategy — that’s fiscal negligence. Kyler Murray, Puka Nacua, and the bargain-bin RB duo of Breece Hall and RJ Harvey will have to work miracles, but miracles are all Ceedee’s TD's has been riding on anyway. And let’s be clear: the commissioner isn't picking someone who reads a WVU economics textbook before bed each night.
Joe Buck Yourself (5-5) vs Vigilante Blitz (4-6)
Winner: Joe Buck Yourself
Joe Buck Yourself comes into week 6 licking wounds after getting body-slammed by league leader 4th and Forever. His punishment? A work trip to Atlanta, which is basically Cleveland with humidity. Meanwhile, Vigilante Blitz continues her accidental Cinderella tour with back-to-back upsets — something nobody asked for and frankly feels like a glitch in the simulation. I assumed the new Taylor Swift album would distract her, but apparently The Life of a Showgirl only fueled her chaos. Yes, Jayden Daniels, Kyren Williams, and Ja’Marr Chase could go off, but anytime Zay Flowers is still in your starting lineup in 2025, we have to file a Missing Player Report. He’s been more absent this season than a Dallas Cowboy's fan in February. The commissioner demands order.
Baisden's Bungals (5-5) vs WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe (5-5)
Winner: WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe
This matchup might not excite the league, but someone’s season is about to start spiraling. WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe puts her faith in Jalen Hurts and Jaxon Smith-Njigba — who, unlike half the supposed “stars” in this league, has actually been quietly reliable every week. Calvin Austin won’t be seen, heard, or acknowledged — like most of Ceedee's TD's waiver decisions. Over on Baisden's Bungals’ sideline, Mahomes, McCaffrey, and Amon-Ra St. Brown are under constant pressure to drag the rest of that roster around like they’re hauling furniture up a flight of stairs. Travis Kelce could contribute, but he's too busy rehearsing for his inevitable transition into full-time podcasting. This one’s close, but I’m siding with my wife and my continued access to indoor plumbing.
Team Andrew (6-4) vs Team Michelle (5-5)
Winner: Team Andrew
It’s Week 6, and we’re treated to the battle of the most creatively bankrupt franchises in league history: Team Andrew vs Team Michelle. These two refuse to pick team names like they’re being graded on Scantron and don’t want to risk filling in the wrong bubble. Team Michelle’s paralysis is understandable — she struggles with basic decision-making, as evidenced by her fantasy roster management and her weekly survivor picks, which she treats like she’s pulling crayon names from a hat in homeroom. Meanwhile, Team Andrew at least gave up on creativity for a valid reason — he traded in wordplay for bicep curls.
Team Michelle will once again hand the keys to Justin Fields, who has all the fantasy consistency of a substitute teacher trying to control recess. And that’s before I even mention the other lineup decisions she’ll procrastinate on until 12:59 PM Sunday while writing sub plans. On the other side, Team Andrew comes in fresh off a tune-up scrimmage against WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe and is ready for the real reps. Saquon Barkley and Drake London are primed to put up teacher-conference numbers — long, exhausting, and emotionally crushing.
By Tuesday morning, Team Michelle will be explaining her loss to her students like it’s a word problem: “If Justin Fields scores 28 points but your opponent scores 150, how many tissues do you need?” The answer? All of them.
4th and Forever (7-3) vs 3rd and Juan (5-5)
Winner: 4th and Forever
The final matchup features the most disrespectful down-marker duel in history: 4th and Forever (7-3) vs 3rd and Juan (5-5). Let’s be real — 3rd and Juan forfeited his right to be taken seriously the second he lost to Burrows Churros, a team previously best known for pioneering new ways to lose. How could any sane commissioner pick 3rd and Juan after that? You wouldn’t pick someone to win a marathon immediately after tripping over their own shoelaces at the start line.
Meanwhile, 4th and Forever is sitting atop the league like a smug HOA president, winning games with whoever he randomly pulls off his bench. Jared Goff, De’Von Achane, Jonathan Taylor — doesn’t matter. He could start a Roomba at flex and still be favored.
On the other side, 3rd and Juan is hoping Emeka Egbuka drops 75 and that Wan’Dale Robinson — a man fewer people recognize than their mailman — shows up like a Marvel post-credit cameo. Spoiler: He won’t.

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