Commissioner Picks: Week #7

Welcome back to another round of fantasy delusion and denial — otherwise known as Thursday in this league. After weeks of disappointing humanity with my picks, I stumbled into competence and went 4-1 in Week 6, improving my record to a slightly-less-embarrassing 14-16.

For context, that officially makes me more reliable than 3rd and Juan navigating with Apple Maps and slightly less chaotic than Ceedee’s TD’s managing his FAAB like a toddler with a debit card.

The standings look like someone randomized them with a leaf blower. Vigilante Blitz moved up to 8th and treated it like she just secured a lifetime achievement award at the ESPYs.

Ceedee’s TD’s is sitting in 4th, somehow convincing himself he’s elite while still starting players that sound like NCAA 14 auto-generated recruits. Meanwhile, Burrows Churros continues to exist out of sheer contractual obligation, and Team Michelle is still operating her bench like a lost-and-found box at recess.

Your commissioner has officially found his groove again — which means it’s time for the rest of you to panic-scroll your matchup previews like they’re medical test results.

Let’s begin.

Week #7 has arrived!

Burrows Churros (2-10) vs Team Michelle (5-7)

Winner: Burrows Churros

Week 7 opens with Burrows Churros vs Team Michelle — the fantasy equivalent of watching two shopping carts collide in the Walmart parking lot. Both teams lost last week, which is about as surprising as learning water is wet. Burrows Churros limps into this matchup with a roster so depressing it could be prescribed as a sleep aid. Sam Darnold, Breece Hall, and Puka Nacua would each need to score 50 just to make this respectable. The rest of the lineup looks like the kind of players you'd sort into "Do Not Draft" on principle.

On the other side, Team Michelle is banking on Justin Fields to rebound from whatever that Week 6 meltdown was. Maybe he plays well. Maybe he throws the ball to stadium security again. Who knows? Squint hard enough at both rosters and you can’t tell if you’re looking at NFL players or roll call for Michelle's classroom.

But hear me out: Burrows Churros somehow pulls off the ugliest win of the year. Not because they’re good — because Team Michelle is just committed to being slightly worse.

4th and Forever (9-3) vs Team Andrew (7-5)

Winner: Team Andrew

Week 7 brings us 4th and Forever vs Team Andrew — a matchup between two men who had very different weeks. Team Andrew spent his time consoling his daughter post-breakup, which I assume involved phrases like “We don’t chase, we replace” followed by unsolicited flexing advice.

On the other side, 4th and Forever was busy achieving Peak Disney Adult Form in Orlando: matching shirts, churro stains, arguing with a cast member named Trevor over Lightning Lane passes. He’s the kind of person who says things like, “It’s not just for kids — it’s magical if you let it be,” right before standing in a 75-minute line for a $9 Dole Whip.

Inspirational stuff, really.

The problem for 4th and Forever is that he’s already treating the rest of the season like a formality. At this point, his ego has its own locker in the league. Meanwhile, Team Andrew is running on pure chaos — emotional turmoil + latent gym rage is a dangerous combo.

Logic says 4th and Forever wins easily. But logic didn’t get me to 14-16 on the year.

Joe Buck Yourself (7-5) vs WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe (7-5)

Winner: WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe

It’s Joe Buck Yourself (7-5) vs WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe (7-5) in what appears to be a heavyweight clash, but let’s not be fooled by the records. One of these teams is legit, and one of them is held together with duct tape and delusion.

WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe just detonated the league in Week 6 thanks to Bijan Robinson and D’Andre Swift finally acting like they’ve seen a weight room. Great effort — enjoy it, because they’ll probably follow it with matching 8-point “just cardio today” stat lines.

Joe Buck Yourself waddles in bragging about “momentum,” but that evaporates instantly when you remember his Week 6 win came against Vigilante Blitz — which is the fantasy equivalent of putting “CPR certified” on your résumé when you once watched a YouTube video about it. No one earns respect by bullying the league’s lost puppy.

And then there’s Dak Prescott at quarterback. That’s not lineup management — that’s volunteering for disappointment.

That’s the kind of decision Team Michelle would make before forgetting to swap out someone on IR.

3rd and Juan (5-7) vs Baisden's Bungals (6-6)

Winner: Baisden's Bungals

Matchup #4 gives us 3rd and Juan (5-7) vs Baisden’s Bungals (6-6), and one team walks in angry, the other walks in defeated. Baisden’s Bungals is still salty after scoring the second-most points in Week 6, only to get reverse UNO’d by WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe in a come-from-behind victory we haven’t seen since Debbie Does Dallas premiered in 1978.

Meanwhile, 3rd and Juan is sleepwalking through a two-game losing streak, doing his best impression of Team Michelle meets Burrows Churros — a frightening combo of poor judgment and worse execution.

This week, Patrick Mahomes, Amon-Ra St. Brown, and Christian McCaffrey are about to hit 3rd and Juan like their tax bracket just got audited. And on the other side? Daniel Jones and Wan’Dale Robinson — which sounds less like a fantasy stack and more like the names of two guys trying to sell you pork rinds outside a gas station.

It's Baisden's Bungals in a blow out.

Vigilante Blitz (5-7) vs Ceedee's TD's (7-5)

Winner: Ceedee's TD's

Vigilante Blitz (5-7) vs Ceedee’s TD’s (7-5) — a matchup so irrelevant even the algorithm tried to skip it. And yet, here we are, forced to acknowledge that Ceedee’s TD’s is somehow 4th in the standings, while Vigilante Blitz climbed to 8th, which is like bragging that your mugshot turned out well.

Ceedee’s TD’s gets CeeDee Lamb back this week and will be relying on Rico Dowdle like he’s some kind of savior rather than a rotational running back who occasionally trips into the end zone.

Across the field, Vigilante Blitz counters with Michael Pittman, Hollywood Brown, and Michael Badgley — which sounds less like a fantasy lineup and more like the opening act at a state fair.

Someone will technically win. Nobody will be proud.