Commissioner Picks: Week #8

The commissioner went 1–4 last week, and the overall record now sits at a deeply concerning 15–20 — proof that hope is a dangerous drug.

I’ve picked games with the accuracy of a stormtrooper wearing bifocals, and somehow, half this league still demands I keep doing it. The playoff picture is taking shape, and it’s starting to feel like some of you belong in the “Best Effort” division.

Vigilante Blitz thinks she’s elite, Burrows Churros still thinks bye weeks are a suggestion, and Ceedee’s TD’s is hanging around like glitter after a bad craft project.

At this point, I’m not predicting outcomes — I’m starting wildfires and seeing which team burns first.

Week #8 has arrived!

Burrows Churros (3-11) vs Team Andrew (7-7)

Winner: Team Andrew

Burrows Churros (3-11) enters Week 8 with five players on bye, which is basically the fantasy equivalent of waving a white flag before kickoff. The desperation is so real that Joe Flacco has been pulled from whatever insurance commercial set he was filming and inserted into the starting lineup.

Team Andrew gets a gift this week. There’s no angle here that suggests a miracle — Burrows Churros winning two straight would defy math, logic, and the will of God.

4th and Forever (10-4) vs Baisden's Bengals (7-7)

Winner: 4th and Forever

4th and Forever (10-4) keeps finding ways to win, and honestly, it’s starting to feel inevitable — like taxes or a new Taylor Swift breakup album. With Jonathan Taylor, De’Von Achane, and Bo Nix clicking, there’s no rational reason to pick against him.

Baisden’s Bungals has had a rough couple of weeks, losing despite strong performances from Patrick Mahomes and Christian McCaffrey — which is kind of like owning a Ferrari and still getting dusted by a Prius. The effort’s there, the wins aren’t, and Week 8 won’t change that storyline.

Joe Buck Yourself (9-5) vs 3rd and Juan (7-7)

Winner: Joe Buck Yourself

Joe Buck Yourself (9-5) has been steady all year, while 3rd and Juan (7-7) is fresh off a 200-point explosion that feels about as repeatable as a Powerball win. Dak Prescott, Josh Jacobs, and Quinshon Judkins are primed to bring him crashing back to Earth in Week 8.

Sure, 3rd and Juan looked unstoppable last week — but even a broken clock is right twice a season. Expect that scoring outburst to vanish faster than his cell signal on a camping trip.

Vigilante Blitz (7-7) vs Team Michelle (5-9)

Winner: Vigilante Blitz

Vigilante Blitz (7-7) has somehow clawed her way into playoff contention and, against all odds, earned the commissioner’s respect — for at least one week. Ja’Marr Chase might not even need help in this one, because Team Michelle’s roster looks like it was drafted by ChatGPT on low battery.

Between byes, injuries, and poor life choices, Team Michelle will be lucky to field ten warm bodies this week. Vigilante Blitz could literally start a kicker at flex and still win comfortably.

Ceedee's TD's (7-7) vs WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe (8-6)

Winner: WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe

Ceedee’s TD’s (7-7) stumbled into Week 8 after dropping an embarrassing sub-85 point performance in Week 7 — a number so low it made Burrows Churros blush.

Meanwhile, WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe (8-6) keeps doing what winning teams do: showing up, scoring points, and not making the commissioner question their league membership.

Bijan Robinson and Jalen Hurts lead the charge again this week, and it won’t take much to win — just competence.

Oh, and next week when you text Katie for fantasy football advice, get some for this league too.