Commissioner Picks: Week #9

Progress comes in small steps — and last week, the commissioner took one. A 2–3 record in Week 8 nudged me to 17–23 overall, which isn’t good, but it’s also not Burrows Churros bad.

It’s been a season of chaos, delusion, and picking against women’s teams like it’s my fantasy kink. Still, momentum is momentum, and I’m heading into Week 9 with the confidence of a Ceedee’s TD’s waiver bid: blind, bold, and destined to fail spectacularly.

Week #9 has arrived!

Burrows Churros (5-11) vs Joe Buck Yourself (9-7)

Winner: Joe Buck Yourself

Burrows Churros (5–11) got a rare win in Week 8 against Team Andrew, but let’s be honest — that was more of a scheduling miracle than a turning point. Now he runs into Joe Buck Yourself (9–7), who’s coming off a humbling performance that didn’t even reach 100 points. Expect him to take out all that pent-up frustration on Burrows Churros, who has about as much long-term hope as a paper straw. Winning two in a row just isn’t in the Burrows Churros DNA.

3rd and Juan (8-8) vs Ceedee's TD's (9-7)

Winner: 3rd and Juan

This matchup feels less like a game and more like community service hours for both teams. 3rd and Juan (8–8) and Ceedee’s TD’s (9–7) both found wins last week, but let’s not confuse momentum with mediocrity. Ceedee’s TD’s is still trying to figure out how fantasy scoring works, and 3rd and Juan is one bad start away from a meltdown in the group chat. Neither deserves the hype, but someone has to get the W.

Baisden's Bungals (7-9) vs Team Michelle (5-11)

Winner: Baisden's Bungals

Team Michelle (5–11) has finally reached her rightful home — the bottom of the standings — and Week 9 isn’t offering an escape route. Baisden’s Bungals (7–9) is coming off a full-on demolition at the hands of 4th and Forever, but a matchup with Michelle’s chaos roster is the perfect bounce-back opportunity. It’s not that Baisden's Bungals is playing great; it’s just that Team Michelle isn’t. Picking her to win would be like picking Burrows Churros to spell “competent.”

Vigilante Blitz (9-7) vs Team Andrew (8-8)

Winner: Team Andrew

Vigilante Blitz (9–7) has suddenly found her voice in the group chat now that she’s stringing together wins, which is both adorable and deeply concerning. Team Andrew (8–8) comes in fresh off a soul-crushing loss to Burrows Churros — and let’s be clear, losing to that team erases all bragging rights for the season. Still, even with Vigilante Blitz riding her little hot streak, the commissioner isn’t buying stock just yet. Confidence in her as a contender sits somewhere between “maybe” and “absolutely not.”

4th and Forever (12-4) vs WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe (8-8)

Winner: 4th and Forever

There’s just no logical reason to pick against 4th and Forever (12–4). The guy’s been steamrolling opponents like they’re practice dummies, and WhosAfraidOfKittleOldMe (8–8) isn’t exactly striking fear into anyone’s heart after losing to Ceedee’s TD’s. That alone should disqualify her from pick consideration for a week. The league’s most dominant team keeps winning, keeps flexing, and keeps reminding us why humility is dead. For those keeping score — yes, I’ve picked against all the female teams this week, and yes, I’ll have my grilled cheese with extra cheddar.